Caution: Random objects ahead

Have you ever had a conversation that ended up altering your life in many ways?  Not just your perception on your life but the way you view that which you thought you knew.  

I had one of those the other day.  Actually it’s still affecting me three days later.  And I have no one I can talk to about it.  Well maybe one person but I am scared to.  Perhaps because talking about it will make it real for me.  

In some ways I was better off not knowing… or not fully knowing.  I had an idea that something was up but being kind of in the dark was actually protecting me.  But that is gone now and I don’t know where I am or where to go.  

I just so very desperately want to rewind time back to when everything made sense, before all the events that lead to this happened.  

Where am I supposed to go from here?  Where are we supposed to go to get it back to normal, right, good?  

I’m running on empty here. I kind of feel dead inside right now. Maybe it’s preparing me for what’s coming but I don’t like it. I don’t know what to ask for so I’ll just ask that you make the coming events as easy and painless as possible.

Maybe a little help feeling the Christmas cheer I usually have would be good too.

A family friend is dying.  She pretty much has been for most of this past year.  The out look for how long she had has seemed to be given in chunks.  Maybe till the end of May.  Hopefully till Thanksgiving…

Well the final word has come… one to two months, maybe.  Attempts at treatment have been stopped and hospice plans are being made.  Also requests for what to put in a obituary have been asked for.

This is not my first dance with death and dying.  As mentioned in a previous post I’ve lost my paternal grandmother.  From the age of ten I have lost more people than I can count off the top of my head.  

But this one will be a hard.  I’ve known this woman for twenty seven years (just about my entire life) and she is part of our extended family.  Another factor making it difficult is she is one of my mom’s best friends.  It’s hard to watch the ones you love give up hope and resign themselves to what can no longer be avoided.

It’s also difficult to think about the family she will be leaving behind.  Her husband, two kids (both adults now), siblings, nieces and nephews, in-laws and such.  She has been the linchpin in the family, and a guiding force in her kids lives.  I cannot imagine her family without her.  

So as I said, you can prepare for this all you want.  Even see it coming for almost a year.  But in the end the loss will still hurt like hell.